If you’re a college student who feels like he OR SHE did not do their best during exams, go ahead and follow some tips from below to help you relax from all the insanity…
Tip #1 — After Next Semester, Do Not Take Finals
“When you avoid your problems, your problems go away.”
-Maya Angelou
An inaccurate quote from a heavily quoted woman. Maya Angelou never said this, but if she did many millennials would be putting posters of it on their dorm room walls. If you hate pressure, follow fake advice and avoid it.
Tip #2 — Read Up on Ted Kaczynski
For those of you who don’t know, Ted Kaczynski was a serial killer. Most notably, he was the Unabomber famous for mailing homemade explosives to his would-be victims. (For accurate and reliable information on Ted Kaczynski, click here.)
The benefit to learning about this individual would be to remind yourself of how terribly you can fall from grace. Ted Kaczynski was a child prodigy, went to Harvard at sixteen years old, earned a PhD in mathematics, and unfortunately became the man that he is now. Kaczynski was critical of modern society and famously wrote The Unabomber Manifesto, a critique of our culture. He is pretty much the polar opposite of what every student hopes to become.
If your parents are complaining about your performance, you can at least tell them, “Well I’m not as bad as the Unabomber!”
This excuse is petty and distracts from an otherwise tragedy of a human being, but it is still technically an excuse.
Tip #3 — Learn Every Fatality from Mortal Kombat
If you are unaware, Mortal Kombat is a fighting game known for its over-the-top violence. After defeating your opponent, you are given a chance to perform a fatality. Fatalities are extremely gruesome ways to kill your opponent and are initiated by inputting a complex button combination. These button combinations are difficult enough that one must memorize them to be executed correctly.
The reasoning behind learning this is simple. After you’ve spent the last week or two cramming for finals, sometimes it is good to use your memorization powers for sadistic entertainment instead of getting good grades. All good grades will do is obtain yourself a degree that will just propel you’re career and lead to overall higher life satisfaction. In other words — not that big a deal.
Tip #4 — Try To Build an Online Following by Writing Nonsense Blog Posts
Do you see what I’m doing here? Do that, just better.
Thank you for reading and please follow for more absurdity
